Is it just me or when you lose someone are you more inclined to people watch and crave those everyday moments even more with the person you’ve lost?

When I lost my mum I was on maternity leave meaning I was frequently out and about going for coffees or long walks with the pram. All I could see were women of my mum’s age perhaps slurping some hot soup or spreading a scone with butter and jam. My mum used to slather the butter on like it was her last meal, a trait I seem to have adopted, and I know this because many non-family members note how generous I am with the butter!

I felt like I was surrounded by those ladies every time I went out. Tears would form in my eyes and I would stare and yearn for that moment with my own mum. I’ll admit that I did often feel angry. Why was it my mum that had to go? All of these other women seemed to behave and walk at the same pace my mum did, so what was it my mum that got taken so soon? Then the face would look back at me and more often than not, she would smile and say something: “Oh hello there little one. Aw look at those beautiful eyes.” or “Are you enjoying that milk? Are you? What a hungry boy.” The words were the same words my mum would have uttered and with the same cutesy, narrowed voice. That actually made me feel a bit better. Even though I wanted my mum to be the one there in front of me, I did get some comfort from these strangers noticing me and leaning over and saying what felt natural to them when they saw a small baby. I think it was comforting as I knew my mum would act in the same way and I could close my eyes afterwards and pretend it was her.

Is it just me or will I ever stop crying about my mum passing and the experiences I have had without her? Is it just me or did anyone else miss out on the motherhood chapter with their mum? It’s been nine and a half years since she passed, 5 days before my due date with my first child. Is it just me or will I ever be able to think about that time without feeling numb and that deep, deep sense of emptiness. Is it just me that can’t seem to shake off the endless yearning for something I will never, ever have.